Friday, June 27, 2008

Letting Go

I am a perfectionist, at times to a fault, and I hold on to my illusion of control over my life. Cognitively I know God is in the driver's seat (as he should be), but at times I try to grab hold of the wheel. My heart knows with faith in God all things are possible, but I think too much, worry, and stress myself out when I don't understand where he is taking my life. Instead of just letting go and enjoying the ride. That's the key that I will be working, letting go and letting God guide my life in the right direction whether I can see the map or not. What can I say, I'm hard-headed. We go through this from time to time, he and I, where I stupidly think I got it covered (no I never think I don't need God, but just like a child thinks its time for the training wheels to come off too early, I think I am capable of a little independence. Well, guess what, I have fallen down and bumped my head, AGAIN.)

I have been Catholic the majority of my life, but I left the church as a teenager and went back in my late twenties. You know, when nothing was going my way and it downed on me that I might not be living the way God wished me to be. I attended a baptism for a friend's child (God, knowing this would get me back to church.) and what I love about the Catholic church (well, if you find the right one that feels like home) is you feel the power of God the minute you walk in the door. And EVERYTHING you do has meaning and you know this because it has been drilled into you from the age of 5! (Cheers to a catholic school education). So, as I dipped my fingers in the holy water and cross myself, I recall my own baptist (I was 6) and that God washed away all of my sins (At 6, I was much less a sinner than I was at 27.). The whole experience is moving. So, I enter the main chapel and genuflect as a sign of respect for God's house and kneel and begin praying the Our Father (I had no clue what else to pray for.). I suppose at the moment I was open to all the possibilities. Then it was time for communion. Huge thing in the Catholic church and technically since I was not in good standing with God or the church I was not supposed to receive it. But, there I was I recited the words I knew from my youth "God, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed." I knew those words were no truer than that moment and made the decision to take the body of Christ. That night I woke up, crying and fell to my knees in prayer knowing that I had been lost and was found. It was one those burning bush experiences for me.

Then as I grew closer to Christ again, I said that there were 5 things in life that I felt I needed to truly be happy: a wonderful home, happily married, a great dog, babies, and a career that I loved and however and whenever he decided to make it happen was cool with me. That night, God let me know he was listening and heard my prayer. I woke up at 2 am and wondered outside just feeling at peace. Then I looked up and saw a shooting star. The child in me wanted to wish upon it, but I felt that God already knew my wishes so I just appreciated God's beautiful work of art. Well that night there were exactly 5 shooting stars that I did not wish upon for I knew that each one already carried my hopes for the future and God had heard each one.

This event changed my life. Within a few months of that night I took a leap of faith and joined, within two months I met the man I married. (To be honest he is not what I would have referred to as my type, but he is a great fit on everything which truly matters. He is a good life partner.) He had a dog that I could not love more if she had been mine along. We purchased a house last October and it is a great place to call home and eventually start a family. I found that if I put my mind to it, I can work toward having a career that I love. I got it all back then.

So here I sit on the verge of needing God to guide me in the right direction again....with my finances. I like credit cards and keeping up with the 'Jones' way too much. And so far God is answering my prayers with not more money but a very good lesson in money management and self control through Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. It is the best thing that could have happened. And while the hubby doesn't fully understand why I have gone crazy working toward something a book is telling me do, he is very supportive.

Where the is hope there is faith, where there is faith miracles can happen and through God all things are possible.........