Tuesday, September 9, 2008

On My Heart Just Like a Tattoo

I have to ask have you ever met a soul mate? Not necessarily the perfect man or women for you to fall madly in love with, but someone, be it man, women, child, dog, cat, whatever; that it is as if for some reason beyond the physical realm you are connected to this person. I have met a few of my soul mates and those meeting have been life changing.

Have you ever encountered a person who reminds you of a person whom was tremendously significant earlier in your life? Well, there is one such person I have encountered that is a constant reminder of a soul mate lost. Every time they speak to me, my head swims and my words escape me; when they look at me, it is as if they are reading the etchings on my heart and soul; or when they are generally near me, the heat of their very being makes me feel as if there’s no where to run or hide……everything that I am is sent into fight or flight mode. And it is as if they know they have this affect on me. Yes, I know I sound like a teenager with a crush, but I’m married to a great guy and to be honest, if you have ever met a soul mate, you’ll understand that you feel like a magnet being pulled in.

It freaks me out how much this person is just like the person from my past. In my head, I’m saying, “Hello, God, what’s up with that? Are you trying to tell me something? As if I don’t think about the person from my past often enough and now I have a physical reminder with all the characteristics as well.”

The current person almost seems to seek me out. I feel the pull of knowing that our souls understand each other. I try not to be rude, because the current person seems to be a genuinely good person and in another lifetime, we’d be friends. But, they seem to have all the things I miss about the old person, and my heart just can’t handle it. Being around them just brings back the pain of the loss.

I want to move passed it all, but I don’t even know where to begin. I think I need forgive myself for why the person in my past is no longer here. It is not often you find people where you know that you have a deeper understanding of each other beyond cogitative thinking. It is as if you understand their soul and they in turn understand yours. As cheesy as it sounds, its almost feels like their thoughts are your thoughts. I lost a best friend; we shared everything, thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. We talked for hours and whether my friend thought I was crazy or talked too much or over thought things, they just listened. (Jordan Sparks' "Tattoo" lyrics come to mind......"You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo, I'll always have you.")And the way I ended things was wrong even though I thought I was in the right and I know I brought my friend pain. I tried to talk to them after the fact and messed that up too, but now I’m in a situation where I can’t go back. And I’m pretty sure my presents would be unwelcome.

And as for the new person, who the heck knows how I’m going to deal with that. I suppose, God has brought them in my life maybe as the more acceptable version of my friend to suit where my life is now. But, when they speak to me, I’m lucky if I can even string three sentences together. Oh what an interesting situation this shall be.

The song of the day…..”Under My Bed “ by Meiko

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